that double standard shit

So can anyone please explain this to me?...


Why is it that when a FEMALE sleeps around with all these guys, she is looked down on & is called every bad name in the book. But when a GUY fucks with all these girls, they get a pat on the back like it's the most rewarding thing to do? WTF? Really though, why don't we just make it simple & make it equal. In other words, if a girl is called a hoe, slut, bitch, etc. then guys are man whores. I really never understood this double standard shit & I must say that thinking about it begins to irritate me. I find it a complete turn off when guys brag about every girl they "pull". Seriously, I would just like to know what's so great about that? What is it?! Do they brag so they could show off how many holes they can stick their dick in? It frustrates me that guys think with the "wrong head" & their ego is all out there. Oh yeah... & the funny thing is, some guys think doing this makes them a MAN. hahahahah! You're kidding me right?! I hope who ever does this shit gets an STD.

YOU'RE JUST ASKING FOR IT YOU LIL' BITCHHH!

Okaayyy, I got that out of my system. I'll stop here before I get carried away with this subject.

this "wall" that i have up

Just like everyone else, I've had my share of bad relationships. I've talked to other people after my 3 year relationship. But I never tried to pursue anything serious & always avoided getting too close to anyone. I got tired of all the bullshit I've dealt with in my past so now, I guess I am the way I am. Being in my on again off again 3 year relationship taught me a lot but also has made me scared to get into another one. I'm the type of person that when I care about someone, I put so much time & effort into that relationship. I've felt unappreciated & I asked myself: "What was my purpose in this relationship in the first place?" Because of this wall that I have up, I'll be the first to admit that I have pushed away a few good ones. I use to go with my feelings instead of my instincts. But now, it's the opposite. I use to say that if things fall into place & the feeling is right, I'll give that person a chance. It seems like I've completely gone against that. People know how to talk & a lot them will tell you what you want to hear just to get that one thing & I'm tired of it. Relationships go both ways. If it's only one person trying to make it work & the other person is not doing their part, what's the point? That was one of the major problems in this previous relationship I was in. I was doing all the work & he wasn't really making any kind of effort to do his part. He was the one who left me & now he wants to get back w/me. Which I don't want anymore. I hate this break up to make up shit. I'm getting to old for it. All these little head games, I'm not up for it. I'm not in high school anymore. I truly believe that "everything happens for a reason. if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger" Despite all the bad shit I've experienced, I'm proud to say that I'm in this learning process. I know it took a while for me to learn but maybe I needed to be in all of it just to realize all of that now.

Without trying, I'll never know. I hope that I'll be able to get over my fear soon & just be okay with completely letting my guard down & letting that person show me what a REAL MAN should be. Trust me, I don't want to have this "wall" up like this for the rest of my life. No one deserves to suffer because of something that someone else did to me in my past. I know it's not fair & to those that I had something good with in my past & I pushed you away, I'm sorry.

Life goes on & when that man finally comes into my life & really shows me that they're not all the the same, maybe..just maybe, I'll give it a try

letting go.

To Let Go isn't to FORGET, not think about, or ignore. It doesn't leave feelings of Anger, Jealousy or Regret.

Letting Go isn't WINNING and isn't LOSING. It's not about PRIDE and it's not about How you Appear, and its not about Obsessing or Dwelling on the Past.

Letting Go isn't Blocking Memories or Thinking Sad Thoughts, and doesn't leave Emptiness, Hurt or Sadness. Its not giving in or giving up.

Letting Go isn't about Loss, and its not Defeat.

To Let Go is to Cherish Memories, but to overcome and to move on. It is having an Open Mind and Confidence in the Future.

Letting Go is Accepting, it is Learning and Experiencing and Growing.

To Let Go is to be Thankful for the Experiences that made you Laugh, made you Cry and made you Grow. It's all that you have, all that you had and all that you will soon gain.

Letting Go is having the Courage to Accept Change, and the Strength to Keep Moving.

Letting Go is Growing Up. It is Realizing that the Heart... can sometimes be the most Potent Remedy.


To Let Go is to Open a Door, to Clear a Path and to Set Yourself..... FREE

work & school

A friend of mine started her own medical billing business & it looks like this may be my oportunity to put to use what I had gone to school for. She has had this business for a while now & if anything, she wants me to work from home. Only thing, I need my OWN computer. No one can have access to it but me because patient files will be stored in that computer & that kind of information is confidential & I have to abide by HIPPA regulations. When I saw her the other day, she told me that I can start anytime. Again, all I need is a computer that is set up with high speed internet & I'm good to go. Her main office right now is her home office & she also has an office in Daly City. I'm pretty excited about this. No one else will hire me due to my lack of experience. Most of the employers that are looking for Medical Billers are looking for at least 2-5 years of experience & unfortunately, I don't have any experience. I let her know that & she said that it's okay & she will give me experience. I'm in the process of looking for a computer. Possibly buying Cris old computer & he will set it up for me. THANKS BABE! He'll be a huge help 'cause he knows all about that computer stuff.

So anyway...due to low enrollment, I did not start school last Wednesday. I called the lady at Boston Reed & she told me that class was postponed. But no date yet though. She just told me to call back w/in a week. If I start that Medical Billing job, I may hold off on school for a while though. Its full time & I want to take this opportunity 'cause I know how hard it is to find a job in this field due to my lack of experience. I'm better off working w/my friend & getting experience from her so that later on, it would probably be easier for me to find a job if I decide to go somewhere else.

updating

I called Boston Reed to make sure there is still room to enroll for the medical admin. course. There is & thank god. But due to low enrollment of students, class won't be starting tomorrow night. The representative I spoke to earlier told me to call back w/in a week. I'm a little bummed out. I was actually excited to go back to school. I can wait though & hopefully the next time around, there will be more students. I have this bad feeling that there won't be enough again but if that's the case then I will look into another school.

Anyway, the ex boyfriend is still contacting me on & off. He's really irritating & I have no patience or energy to hear his bullshit. He tells me one thing & does another. I'm over it & it pisses me off 'cause he's been in & out of my life like it's nothing. He's the one who fucked up & he's the main reason why we're not together. He left in the first place & now he wants me back?! Are you seroius?! He's 26 years old & still has nothing going for himself. He doesn't know what he wants & that alone tells me he's definately not ready for a relationship. He has the nerve to ask me who I'm currently talking to? Why though? Why does it matter? He's constantly telling me that he still loves me & nothing will change that. Uh huh! Yeah right. I've heard it all before. He claims that he belongs with me & that I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him. But he's lied to me left & right. So now, I just think he's full'a shit. He's just all talk & I'm better off w/out him in my life. I put so much time & effort into this relationship & I stuck by his side even when he treated me like shit. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. He has major issues that he has to deal with on his own & I just refuse to be a part of any of the drama that he brings upon himself. He knows he fucked up & he knows that sorry is not enough for me. He goes: "I know how you are. Sorry doesn't make up for anything." He's right about that. I don't think I've never been so hard on someone like I am with him. I know he's miserable but who's fault is that? No one can help him but himself. He keeps turning down the help so I don't know. I would like to think that he is going to change but the route he's on right now doesn't look good & he will never get anywhere if he doesn't start somewhere. His mom & his sister has shut up out. Which is pretty sad because those are the people he needs the most. But in a way, I can understand. It's called tough love. All the bad shit that he's done is finally hitting him hard. Karma's a bitch isn't it?! His cousin had told me that my ex had told him that he was going to turn himself in so I asked my ex about that & all he said was: "I don't know!" What a great answer. He's really lost & I don't know when he will be found & what it wil take for him to really stop the lifestyle that he's living. He was jumped like 3 weeks ago & I really thought that after that incident, he was going to stop. A week after that happened, I spoke with him & he told me that he wasn't trying to fuck up anymore. Bullshit! He knows how to manipulate people to get what he wants & he says things just to make himself look good & so that no one give him shit about it. Well at least me. He hates it when I give him shit about his bullshit & he thinks I'm talking shit. But I'm not, I'm just stating my facts & it's funny how he fucks up & can't take the heat. According to him, I was always a bitch for tellin' him like it is. He's just selfish & it seems like he is not thinking about the people he's hurting. There's a part of me that just doesn't give a fuck anymore & the other that still does. But one thing is that I won't get back with him. It's just too much & it's going to hurt all over again. I hate that back & forth shit. You either wanna be w/me or you don't.

This is to you...

I hope that some day you find the positive influence in your life that will help you get your life together. I'm sorry to say. But I'm not helping you anymore. You have hurt me a great deal & I never deserved any of the bullshit you put me through. You claimed that I was the only good thing in your life. But I find that hard to believe. I was good to you or at least tried my best to be. But obviosuly, that wasn't enough. Remember, you left me. Learn to deal with the consequences 'cause that's what you get for fuckin' up. I don't really care where we stand anymore. That doesn't matter. You don't care about us & yourself or the people around you.

because of the budget cuts

Tuesday morning, I was contacted by a representative from Boston Reed college confirming that they received my application for the Medical Administrative Assistant course. I was then informed that due to the budget cuts, registration fee went to up to $250.00. Tuition now is $1,720. They are asking for $735.00 up front on the day that class starts which is next week on Wednesday, August 19 & another $735.00 on December 2, 2009. That's a lot all at once so I called Boston Reed today & asked the representative if there is any way that I could break down the payments. They have a payment plan called "TFC" (whatever that means..I think that's what it's called!). Basically, I would be paying $225.00 for registration to the class & then the next 9 months after that, I would be paying $179.04/month. That sounds pretty good & is so much easier then paying the $735.00 all at once. My mom was the one who bought this up to me. I seriously wouldn't have thought about it if she didn't mention anything. But man, I understand cause we all have that financial hardship nowadays. So yeah, after I was done asking my question, mother tells me to call them back again & ask if they coordinate with the unemployment department. From what I understand, they have a special program where the unemployment department will be with one to pay for your tuition with the money that you're getting from them. I'm only working part time so I was able to qualify for unemployment. So I called the representative back at Boston Reed & she said that they coordinate with unemployment. After speaking to the representative at Boston Reed, I then called the unemployment office & THANK GOD!, I was able to get through. The representative I spoke to took down my information & the school's information. According to her, I will be contacted with in 1-3 business days. Shoot, I hope so! I really want to go back to school. It's important to me. I'm getting older & I really want to try & get my life together. So anyway..yeah, I'll be waiting for their call. I just hope & pray that I do get approved. Wish me luck you guys! I think I need it! I'll update you guys right away once I receive any news.

For the ladies

This one's for the girl who you should take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to just fuck than work on a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.

This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.

This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their faith crushed by someone too selfish to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech. for the nights when you've returned home alone.

This is for the girls who have showed up party after party just to be in his presence, and finally realizing that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. This is for the nights his heart got broken by some dumb bitch or his grandfather is in the hospital or his best friend crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way.. then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had.

This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after falling to sleep.

This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment & this is for realizing that when you choose friends, you hardly choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep.

This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have settled for what he was giving because at least he was giving something. This is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing.

This is for the hugs you've received from your girlfriends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful. and that you are truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the regret you've felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow.

A Tribute To The Nice Guys

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are JERKS. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

registration for school

I finally mailed in my registration form & fee today for the Medical Administrative Assistant course which will take place at the Independence Adult Education Center. Boston Reed College (located in Napa, CA) is doing a collaboration with Independence Adult Ed. Class starts on Wednesday, August 19th. It's every Wednesday from 6pm-9pm & the great thing about it is that tuition is cheap. It's only $940 & there is a separate $100 registration fee. That hundred is coming out of my mom's account so I had to provide them with her account number & all that other stuff. I'm pretty excited only because this is what I've been wanting to go to school for. I wanted to do something long term & more legit. But I can't afford it. This is a 34 week class so I will be done by February 2010. Hopefully, just hopefully...I will be able to find a job then.

Jay's 24th birthday dinner at Everett and Jones in Oakland, CA

Those were the pictures taken from J's birthday dinner at this restaurant called Everett and Jones which is located in Oakland. Karen, babe, & I went. It was fun like always. I find it very refreshing everytime I'm around my cousins. My mind is at ease & I seriously forget about all my problems. It was a bonus that babe came out with us. He's such a good sport. I'm hope that he'll be around more. For the record, we're not together..at least not yet & he's not some random dude I just met either. We have some kinna history of 5 years. But yeah.. it's a long story so I'll get into that maybe later. So anyway...there was alot of us last night. But Karen & I were the only cousins who came out to celebrate with him from his dad's side. All his other cousins that were there are from his mom's side. I love being around the other side of the fam & just the way they're all so tight knit with all the cousins is great. I wish his dad's side was like that. But I don't think it will ever be.

Est. 2004

On the 12th of this month, it will be 1 month since we've "reunited" & started talking again. I must say that I haven't been this happy in so long. He's such a great person...good personality, fun to be around, always makes me laugh, easy to get along with, easy to talk to, sweet, & has something going for himself....what more could I ask for? I'm so proud of him for everything he has accomplished & I feel extremely lucky to have met such a good guy. I'm happy. Simple as that. Everytime I'm with him, I get that giddy feeling...you know, those butterflies. He makes me feel good inside & out. We've already established the fact that we care about eachother a lot but are in no rush to get into a relationship. Like I've said before, I hope something great comes out of this. We'll just wait & see. When the time is right & things fall into place, I'm more than willing to give it that chance. Good guys are hard to find & now that he's in front of me, I wanna hold on to him. BABY, YOU'RE THE BEST! I like how things are at the moment & I enjoy every moment I get to spend with him. =]

Btw, HAPPY 24TH BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST COUSIN EVERRR! love you jayyyy! =)

we have some sick people in this world today!

Former San Jose PE teacher sentenced to six month in jail for sex with student
By Marc Gomez

Posted 08/05/2009 09:20:10 AM PDT

source: http://www.mercurynews.com/

A former San Jose high school physical education who admitted to having a sexual relationship with a 17-year old student was sentenced today to six months in county jail, according to the Santa Clara County District Attorney's Office.

Rita Brum, 24, was also given three years' formal probation for her illicit relationship with a female student she met while working as a first-year teacher at Mount Pleasant High School in East San Jose. On June 11, Brum pleaded no contest to one count of sexual penetration of a person under 18 and accepted a court offer of six months in jail on June 11.

Her attorney Edward N. Aljouny said Brum has taken "full responsibility" for the relationship and believes the young woman received a just punishment.

"From the beginning, she did take responsibility," Aljouney said. "She was the adult. She is remorseful for what happened. It was a fair sentence."

According to the police reports, Brum me the 17-year old girl, a student at Mount Pleasant High, early in the 2007-08 school year. Their relationship grew in the following months as they spent time together on and off campus. The girl told police she and Brum kissed on campus a couple of times and eventually began a sexual relationship.

The relationship ended when the girl's mother found a love letter from Brum to her daughter. The mom became angry and confronted her daughter, who then detailed her relationship with Brum, according to police

The mother then confronted Brum at HP Pavilion and pulled her hair during an altercation, according to a police report. Officers at the arena responded to the incident and were told about the illicit relationship.

Another physical teacher at Mount Pleasant interviewed by police told investigators that Brum was an intern in the process of earning her teaching credentials at San Jose State University.

She described Brum to police as "supportive and encouraging" and said Brum was also an assistant soccer coach and was "very well liked"