this "wall" that i have up

Just like everyone else, I've had my share of bad relationships. I've talked to other people after my 3 year relationship. But I never tried to pursue anything serious & always avoided getting too close to anyone. I got tired of all the bullshit I've dealt with in my past so now, I guess I am the way I am. Being in my on again off again 3 year relationship taught me a lot but also has made me scared to get into another one. I'm the type of person that when I care about someone, I put so much time & effort into that relationship. I've felt unappreciated & I asked myself: "What was my purpose in this relationship in the first place?" Because of this wall that I have up, I'll be the first to admit that I have pushed away a few good ones. I use to go with my feelings instead of my instincts. But now, it's the opposite. I use to say that if things fall into place & the feeling is right, I'll give that person a chance. It seems like I've completely gone against that. People know how to talk & a lot them will tell you what you want to hear just to get that one thing & I'm tired of it. Relationships go both ways. If it's only one person trying to make it work & the other person is not doing their part, what's the point? That was one of the major problems in this previous relationship I was in. I was doing all the work & he wasn't really making any kind of effort to do his part. He was the one who left me & now he wants to get back w/me. Which I don't want anymore. I hate this break up to make up shit. I'm getting to old for it. All these little head games, I'm not up for it. I'm not in high school anymore. I truly believe that "everything happens for a reason. if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger" Despite all the bad shit I've experienced, I'm proud to say that I'm in this learning process. I know it took a while for me to learn but maybe I needed to be in all of it just to realize all of that now.

Without trying, I'll never know. I hope that I'll be able to get over my fear soon & just be okay with completely letting my guard down & letting that person show me what a REAL MAN should be. Trust me, I don't want to have this "wall" up like this for the rest of my life. No one deserves to suffer because of something that someone else did to me in my past. I know it's not fair & to those that I had something good with in my past & I pushed you away, I'm sorry.

Life goes on & when that man finally comes into my life & really shows me that they're not all the the same, maybe..just maybe, I'll give it a try